I am torn between the two

In Philippians 1, Paul is writing from a miserable environment: he is in prison, chained without respite to a guard day and night, hearing about others proclaiming the gospel out of selfish ambition.  Those who come to help and encourage him are few compared to those who have ill-will in mind toward him.  Can you imagine a more wearying, discouraging, and painful physical and spiritual location?

He writes these words:

Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.

Philippians 1:18b-26, emphasis added

Some translations put verse 23 a little differently: "I am torn between the two."

What is he torn between? Life and death. Living and dying. 

Paul was fully aware that the glory awaiting him was better than the pains of his current existence. But I think we tend to fixate on his faithful, joyful mindset without stopping to hear what he just said. He said he was torn between life and death. That is a serious statement! And one that may not be far from the lips of those deeply depressed and contemplating suicide. 

To be fair, we don't know if Paul was referring to ending his own life or giving up the will to live in a way that would result in his death, but we do know that he is saying that he is making a CHOICE and that it is a STRUGGLE: "Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell."

But Paul does come to a conclusion -- that though, in Christ, death will be better than living, his existence is an encouragement to others.  "Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith." It's important to note that Paul was not staying because these people "needed" him, but because he could be a part of their reason to glorify God.  In fact, Paul has spent the previous portions of the letter encouraging them for their growth.  This isn't a matter of "need" but of truly and deeply caring for those whose lives are intertwined with his. 

So what principles encourage me from this passage? Well... 

• When I feel so down that I am "torn between life and death", I am in good company.
• An internal battle is not wrong, but demonstrates care and conviction. 
• While it's true that future glory is far better than earth, my life does have purpose right now. 
• My life's purpose isn't about ME (my comfort, my happiness, my achievements) but about being there for others in a way that would cause them to glorify God.