When someone sins against you

We all know what it's like to play both the perpetrator and the victim of sin.  Sin can be brutally painful, and it always has consequences.  The closer we are to a person, and the longer we remain in contact with them, the more likely we are to experience wrongdoing from them. But we know it is important to have and maintain relationships! So what do we do when we are sinned against?

1. Pray

God is an ever-present help in times of trouble (Psalm 46:1). As the only being who can claim true holiness and perfection, he is the capital authority on what it's like to have people sin against him.  Because Jesus was tempted in every way, yet without sin, (Hebrews 4:15), we can imagine that God's empathy flows to us in the pain we feel and the wrongful ways in which we are tempted to react. It is in these times that we must go to him FIRST and remember his sacrifice for OUR sins before we attempt to repair anyone else's standing before God.

2. Confront

• "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." Matthew 18:15-17
• "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." Proverbs 27:5

When you have been sinned against, the best possible response is to go the person and talk to them about it (before you talk to anyone else about it).  Prayerfully confront them with the sin and affirm that all sins are first before God.  Ideally, at this point, the person will repent and seek your forgiveness. If they don't, you may gradually involve more and more carefully-chosen participants in the conversation with the purpose of seeing them restored to God. This is the most loving thing to do. 

3. Have a Forgiveness "Exchange" (When Possible) & Leave Bitterness Behind

It's not always possible to have a conversation in which the person who sinned against you seeks your forgiveness and you grant it.  The person may be unrepentant, live far away, or may even have died.  Whether you've had a conversation when you've been asked and then granted forgiveness or not, you have the opportunity and obligation to not be ruled by bitterness toward them.  Forgiveness, with a mindfulness of the forgiveness of the Lord towards you, can still occur in your heart.

• "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32
• "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." Colossians 3:13
• "Then Peter came up and said to him, 'Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"

This is not optional. 

• "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." Matthew 6:14-15

Note: Consider Roles

The role this person plays in your life can shape the pain and process of reconciliation. Some structures for behavior with different persons in your life from the end of Ephesians may be helpful to consider as you walk through steps 1-4 to encourage movement back to a God-honoring place in your relationship.

• Is this person your spouse?
  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Ephesians 5:31-33
• Is this person your parent?
  "'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), 'that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.'" Ephesians 6:2-3
• Is this person your child?
  "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4
• Is this person your boss?
  "Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or free." Ephesians 6:5-8
• Is this person your employee?
  "Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him." Ephesians 6:9