Decisions, patience, and pouring it out

Spring semester of your final year in grad school for a speech language pathologist means a lot of things.  For me, it means a completely full schedule of diagnostics, meetings, thesis, meetings, papers, meetings, exams, meetings, therapy, and meetings.  And work.  And on top of that, I have to start applying for Clinical Fellowship positions.

Where?  Well, that's the question, isn't it? I told myself that I'd stay in Austin after grad school for two reasons: that I had a great job offer, or that I was in a relationship headed for marriage.

So far, I want to stay in Austin.  But I have no job offers and a relationship that, though great, is still questionable in its final destination. So I have to make a decision... to Austin, or not to Austin?

While I am probably a few months out from some really solid job offers, being the Type A that I am I have to consider these choices and what I will say when they are placed in front of me.  (We can talk about whether or not that's a good idea at a different time...)

Then comes this recurring theme of PATIENCE.  I am almost certain I will look back on this phase of life and think that this was the main thing God was teaching me.  Specifically, I think, in the area of wanting more confirmation from my boyfriend that one day we'd get married.

We had a talk, and confirmed this much:
He won't tell me to stay in Austin because he trusts that God will put me where he wants me.
He's being sanctified, though not on my timeline.
He's not ready to get married.

Noooot exactly what I want to hear, ya know? But okay.  Then comes the God-timed devotional I read in My Utmost for His Highest the next morning:

Lust means 'I must have it at once.' Spiritual lust causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer.  What have I been hoping or trusting God would do? ... Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not the answer... If we will only obey, and do the task he has placed closest to us, we will see Him.

I don't want to be a person who missing seeking the face of GOD himself as I seek his direction for my life.  And at the same time, as I am hoping and trusting that God will act, I have to be obedient to the tasks he's placed before me.  Part of that is getting to be an encouragement to my boyfriend as he works through things.  Enter devotional #2, read the same morning (I was catching up):

The process of being made broken bread and poured out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for other people's souls... Have you delivered yourself over to exhaustion because of the way you have been serving God? ... Continually look back on the foundation of your love and affection and remember where your source of power lies. You have no right to complain... he saved and sanctified you to exhaust you. Be exhausted for God, but remember he is your supply. 'All my springs are in you' (Ps 87:7).

I want to be poured out because I know it's right. Also because I know it's part of what God has for me as his servant. Also because I LOVE GOD and my life is an offering back to him.  But that idea, when put in practice, can be really exhausting and, at times, discouraging.  But I am so encouraged that he IS, indeed, my portion and my supply.  I think of Ephesians 3 and find comfort.  There is no comparison to knowing the one true God, and no substitute for the real thing. I have power in him beyond compare.

My earnest prayer is that God would make me want what he wants as I delight myself in him.