Confession #11: It's more complicated than I thought
Early on in dating my boyfriend, I thought it was pretty simple.
Or, at least, that we were keeping things simple. And slow. And that that must be the key, because everything seemed to be working out just fine.
I even had this idea that, because we were so successfully navigating the whole "relationshipping" process (as one of my friends likes to call it), we could end up writing some revelatory book titled something like Uncomplicating Dating that would land in the hands of every well-taught Christian high school or college-aged person.
And it's not like it's been messed up or anything. And it's not that it's necessarily complicated. It's just... more complicated than I thought.
Here's the deal, I've realized that there's this evaluative quality about dating that I absolutely hate.
It. Feels. So. Wrong.
In every other Christian relationship I can say, "You're a sinner, and you've messed up, but I love you. I'll stand by you as long as I possibly can and walk through this life with you because God's placed us in the same place at the same time so that must be what he has for us to do." There's no, "Are you being a good enough friend to me?" or, "Do I really want you to be my friend for the rest of my life?" or, "Ugh, that hurt...maybe your sin actually more than I'm really willing to deal with for as long as we both shall live."
In a relationship with someone you're dating, you still have the, "You're a sinner and you've messed up," but maybe you don't feel at liberty to say, "I love you." You're certainly walking through this life with them, but you're conscious of a possible end in sight, caused by you or by them. And because you're supposed to be figuring out whether or not you serve the Lord better together than you do on your own, questions are begged: "Will you be a (good enough) leader to me?" or, "Do I really want to say YOU AND ONLY YOU for the rest of my life?" or, "How do I see your sin affecting me and am I really signing up for that for all of the foreseeable future?"
You're both sinners. You both have these questions. You both are evaluating, and trying to love at the same time (possibly without even telling the person that, yes, you do love them).
Truth be told, when I'm LOVING and not EVALUATING, I feel ready to marry him. I'm caught up in showing the love of Christ to him and sacrificing for his sake and helping him be more like Christ. I want to encourage him. His flaws don't bother me because I can come alongside him and show him the grace that God has shown me. I see the beauty of this relationship God's given us and I'm grateful.
When I'm EVALUATING and not LOVING, I'm terrified of a future with him. I'm critical. I can't have fun with him because I'm too busy stewing on the last thing he said that I may not have liked. All the little things seem like huge issues that will haunt me for the rest of my life should we say, "I do." I shut down, and he feels like it's hard to be close to me. And perhaps what's worst, I feel a lack of God's presence... as if I'm not acknowledging him, that I don't know his will, and everything is murky and upsetting.
The love is so much more Christ-like. Yet, I'm told to evaluate so I don't make a poor decision.
I imagine that this, like almost everything else in life, is a balance. I must be wise and evaluate, but I cannot sacrifice Christ-like love and grace on the alter of decision-making.
Or, at least, that we were keeping things simple. And slow. And that that must be the key, because everything seemed to be working out just fine.
I even had this idea that, because we were so successfully navigating the whole "relationshipping" process (as one of my friends likes to call it), we could end up writing some revelatory book titled something like Uncomplicating Dating that would land in the hands of every well-taught Christian high school or college-aged person.
And it's not like it's been messed up or anything. And it's not that it's necessarily complicated. It's just... more complicated than I thought.
Here's the deal, I've realized that there's this evaluative quality about dating that I absolutely hate.
It. Feels. So. Wrong.
In every other Christian relationship I can say, "You're a sinner, and you've messed up, but I love you. I'll stand by you as long as I possibly can and walk through this life with you because God's placed us in the same place at the same time so that must be what he has for us to do." There's no, "Are you being a good enough friend to me?" or, "Do I really want you to be my friend for the rest of my life?" or, "Ugh, that hurt...maybe your sin actually more than I'm really willing to deal with for as long as we both shall live."
In a relationship with someone you're dating, you still have the, "You're a sinner and you've messed up," but maybe you don't feel at liberty to say, "I love you." You're certainly walking through this life with them, but you're conscious of a possible end in sight, caused by you or by them. And because you're supposed to be figuring out whether or not you serve the Lord better together than you do on your own, questions are begged: "Will you be a (good enough) leader to me?" or, "Do I really want to say YOU AND ONLY YOU for the rest of my life?" or, "How do I see your sin affecting me and am I really signing up for that for all of the foreseeable future?"
You're both sinners. You both have these questions. You both are evaluating, and trying to love at the same time (possibly without even telling the person that, yes, you do love them).
Truth be told, when I'm LOVING and not EVALUATING, I feel ready to marry him. I'm caught up in showing the love of Christ to him and sacrificing for his sake and helping him be more like Christ. I want to encourage him. His flaws don't bother me because I can come alongside him and show him the grace that God has shown me. I see the beauty of this relationship God's given us and I'm grateful.
When I'm EVALUATING and not LOVING, I'm terrified of a future with him. I'm critical. I can't have fun with him because I'm too busy stewing on the last thing he said that I may not have liked. All the little things seem like huge issues that will haunt me for the rest of my life should we say, "I do." I shut down, and he feels like it's hard to be close to me. And perhaps what's worst, I feel a lack of God's presence... as if I'm not acknowledging him, that I don't know his will, and everything is murky and upsetting.
The love is so much more Christ-like. Yet, I'm told to evaluate so I don't make a poor decision.
I imagine that this, like almost everything else in life, is a balance. I must be wise and evaluate, but I cannot sacrifice Christ-like love and grace on the alter of decision-making.
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