Confession #10: I'm the worst
I don't often feel that Paul's words in 1 Timothy 1:15 really resonate with me.
He says, "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."
I don't usually see myself as the foremost of sinners, if I'm being really honest. Usually I see myself as a pretty decent Christian. And ohh boy, is that dangerous.
Being in a dating relationship for the last few months has taught me quite a few things. Different points have seemed to draw out new issues: how to address fears, what my real thoughts are on romantic love, how to effectively communicate my emotions, what appropriate behavior and conversation looks like, how to involve other people in our relationship to the right extent... all these I feel we are still navigating, but are on our way to figuring out.
In the last couple weeks, and specifically the last 24 hours, it's drawn out my lack of sensitivity with a level of conviction for sin that's left me feeling like Paul in 1 Timothy. I'm the worst.
Ephesians 4:1 says, "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worth of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
I have this really awful habit of picking on people in a joking way... I do it to an extent that ends up truly hurting them and I don't even know it. I'm so blind to this sin that I was able to pray to be an encouragement to my boyfriend before hanging out with him, totally tear him down in front of his roommate while we were hanging out, say goodnight and completely not realize I had been acting sinfully until he says, "Just try not to be so hard on me, okay?"
He had also confronted me on this a week or two ago, and I was nearly brought to tears by the fact that I had not had any perception of how my words were hurtful to him. To see that it's continued brought me to an epiphany last night:
I am a really selfish person. I am truly so self-focused that I do not notice how my words make people feel. And I walk away never knowing I have done anything wrong.
Coming to this epiphany really sent me into despair this morning. I was thinking on how this has been a character trait of mine throughout my life. Good friends have told me I've made them cry (I had no idea my words bothered them at all). I've been rebuked for not giving people the time of day or seeming to busy to care about them (another manifestation of a lack of sensitivity & compassion in the presence of total selfishness). Times that I've hurt my parents can be traced back to this too (all of it is made worse by the fact that this really comes out around those I am comfortable with).
This problem is not theirs, it's mine. This is not a matter of, "This is just me joking, get used to it!" it's a matter of, "This is my nasty sin that's hurting you, and it shouldn't be that way!" Thinking about how God has grown me in compassion has been encouraging but thinking on how I have come all this way and STILL don't even have a hint of a feeling that says "Alison, you should stop teasing now" when I should is really disheartening. I felt like I had no hope. I felt like I would be stuck in this sin forever. I felt like my boyfriend should definitely not be dating me, because I don't want him to marry a woman who will spend a lifetime being insensitive when he needs a helpmate.
Then I read the first three chapters of Ephesians and the following two verses stopped my heart:
2:10 - "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
God has prepared good works for me beforehand. God WANTS me to be a loving, sensitive, selfless person who does not hurt people with her words. The will of God for my life is my sanctification. This is what he wants for me!! I can imagine myself as a person whose character is totally changed in a radical way, a person who is not like her natural self but who has become someone who is quick to listen and love and encourage and uses her words for PEACE and not for harm. If I can think and ask that, God is able to do far more abundantly! God works powerfully in me and I am not hopeless! Praise be to God!
I was encouraged this morning by speaking with a married woman who deems her husband "the sensitive one" in their relationship. She told me, He teaches me compassion. He helps me be sensitive. God uses him to grow me in that.
As much as I'd like to act like I could grow to become this totally sensitive and compassionate woman without help, I don't think that's possible. I hate, hate, hate to think that this growth will come by trial-and-error that will likely hurt my boyfriend at different times, but that is also a motivation to move forward.
In the end I just have to thank God for the crazy thing that this relationship is and how he's using it for my sanctification (and therefore, his glory). I leave the future in his very, very capable hands!
He says, "This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost."
I don't usually see myself as the foremost of sinners, if I'm being really honest. Usually I see myself as a pretty decent Christian. And ohh boy, is that dangerous.
Being in a dating relationship for the last few months has taught me quite a few things. Different points have seemed to draw out new issues: how to address fears, what my real thoughts are on romantic love, how to effectively communicate my emotions, what appropriate behavior and conversation looks like, how to involve other people in our relationship to the right extent... all these I feel we are still navigating, but are on our way to figuring out.
In the last couple weeks, and specifically the last 24 hours, it's drawn out my lack of sensitivity with a level of conviction for sin that's left me feeling like Paul in 1 Timothy. I'm the worst.
Ephesians 4:1 says, "I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worth of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace."
I have this really awful habit of picking on people in a joking way... I do it to an extent that ends up truly hurting them and I don't even know it. I'm so blind to this sin that I was able to pray to be an encouragement to my boyfriend before hanging out with him, totally tear him down in front of his roommate while we were hanging out, say goodnight and completely not realize I had been acting sinfully until he says, "Just try not to be so hard on me, okay?"
He had also confronted me on this a week or two ago, and I was nearly brought to tears by the fact that I had not had any perception of how my words were hurtful to him. To see that it's continued brought me to an epiphany last night:
I am a really selfish person. I am truly so self-focused that I do not notice how my words make people feel. And I walk away never knowing I have done anything wrong.
Coming to this epiphany really sent me into despair this morning. I was thinking on how this has been a character trait of mine throughout my life. Good friends have told me I've made them cry (I had no idea my words bothered them at all). I've been rebuked for not giving people the time of day or seeming to busy to care about them (another manifestation of a lack of sensitivity & compassion in the presence of total selfishness). Times that I've hurt my parents can be traced back to this too (all of it is made worse by the fact that this really comes out around those I am comfortable with).
This problem is not theirs, it's mine. This is not a matter of, "This is just me joking, get used to it!" it's a matter of, "This is my nasty sin that's hurting you, and it shouldn't be that way!" Thinking about how God has grown me in compassion has been encouraging but thinking on how I have come all this way and STILL don't even have a hint of a feeling that says "Alison, you should stop teasing now" when I should is really disheartening. I felt like I had no hope. I felt like I would be stuck in this sin forever. I felt like my boyfriend should definitely not be dating me, because I don't want him to marry a woman who will spend a lifetime being insensitive when he needs a helpmate.
Then I read the first three chapters of Ephesians and the following two verses stopped my heart:
2:10 - "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
3:20 - "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
God has prepared good works for me beforehand. God WANTS me to be a loving, sensitive, selfless person who does not hurt people with her words. The will of God for my life is my sanctification. This is what he wants for me!! I can imagine myself as a person whose character is totally changed in a radical way, a person who is not like her natural self but who has become someone who is quick to listen and love and encourage and uses her words for PEACE and not for harm. If I can think and ask that, God is able to do far more abundantly! God works powerfully in me and I am not hopeless! Praise be to God!
I was encouraged this morning by speaking with a married woman who deems her husband "the sensitive one" in their relationship. She told me, He teaches me compassion. He helps me be sensitive. God uses him to grow me in that.
As much as I'd like to act like I could grow to become this totally sensitive and compassionate woman without help, I don't think that's possible. I hate, hate, hate to think that this growth will come by trial-and-error that will likely hurt my boyfriend at different times, but that is also a motivation to move forward.
In the end I just have to thank God for the crazy thing that this relationship is and how he's using it for my sanctification (and therefore, his glory). I leave the future in his very, very capable hands!
Comments
Post a Comment