Confession #6: I'm afraid of getting old
Something that has been really impactful over the last few months is the deepening of my understanding of all the impacts of aging.
I've been taking classes about aphasia, dementia, and other disorders that go beyond simply affecting speech or language -- some of these diseases slowly take away seemingly all of the manifestations of personhood that people consider their identity: their speech, their perception, their problem solving, their memory, their movements, their sense of humor, their emotions. Character traits that made a person beautiful and unique "unravel" as some of these pathologies progress, leaving those around them frustrated, confused, and tired.
I struggle with understanding truths about God in all of this. I believe every person has a soul, and that cannot be robbed from them. But as a degenerative disease alters (or eventually removes) every perceptual manifestation of personality and character, one has to look harder for the God-given SOUL that is still present.
If you have 20 minutes, view this video for a better understanding of this (it's worth your time):
One of the caregivers in this video came to speak to my class today. He is the husband of the former professor, who himself has Parkinson's disease. He spoke with such wisdom about re-learning to enjoy the person as they continually change, about letting go of normalcy and having control over their behavior, and communicating with a nonverbal patient with calmness and simple physical affection that still expresses love to them, without using words. His perspective was so raw, but so knowing.
I couldn't help but sit there and place myself in his position. Empathizing with his emotions and descriptions brought me out of all the day-to-day craziness of grad school and into the day-to-day craziness of being an sick, aging caregiver to a sick, aging spouse. That's definitely not the picture of happily ever after that I'm being sold every day. It's not the future I really want to imagine.
When I left the lecture I read a chapter from a book that went back to the very basics of being a Christian. Am I willing to take up my cross to follow Christ? Will I do it no matter the cost? Or will I cave to a constant fear of an unknown future, perhaps holding something as heavy as this?
I can't call myself a Christian if I say "yes" to that last question. God hasn't called me to live a life of fear.
So I must amend my title: I'm not afraid of getting old, but I want to be cognizant of it. I want to be realistic about what might happen, rather than living in blissful ignorance. BUT I also want to be a person who trusts her future to the all-capable hands of a sovereign God who has NOT promised to keep me from difficulty but who HAS promised to work everything out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I will fight moments of fear of aging because I have committed any and all of what's left of my life to God, to do with it what he wills.
I will heed the words of Corrie Ten Boom:
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
I've been taking classes about aphasia, dementia, and other disorders that go beyond simply affecting speech or language -- some of these diseases slowly take away seemingly all of the manifestations of personhood that people consider their identity: their speech, their perception, their problem solving, their memory, their movements, their sense of humor, their emotions. Character traits that made a person beautiful and unique "unravel" as some of these pathologies progress, leaving those around them frustrated, confused, and tired.
I struggle with understanding truths about God in all of this. I believe every person has a soul, and that cannot be robbed from them. But as a degenerative disease alters (or eventually removes) every perceptual manifestation of personality and character, one has to look harder for the God-given SOUL that is still present.
If you have 20 minutes, view this video for a better understanding of this (it's worth your time):
One of the caregivers in this video came to speak to my class today. He is the husband of the former professor, who himself has Parkinson's disease. He spoke with such wisdom about re-learning to enjoy the person as they continually change, about letting go of normalcy and having control over their behavior, and communicating with a nonverbal patient with calmness and simple physical affection that still expresses love to them, without using words. His perspective was so raw, but so knowing.
I couldn't help but sit there and place myself in his position. Empathizing with his emotions and descriptions brought me out of all the day-to-day craziness of grad school and into the day-to-day craziness of being an sick, aging caregiver to a sick, aging spouse. That's definitely not the picture of happily ever after that I'm being sold every day. It's not the future I really want to imagine.
When I left the lecture I read a chapter from a book that went back to the very basics of being a Christian. Am I willing to take up my cross to follow Christ? Will I do it no matter the cost? Or will I cave to a constant fear of an unknown future, perhaps holding something as heavy as this?
I can't call myself a Christian if I say "yes" to that last question. God hasn't called me to live a life of fear.
So I must amend my title: I'm not afraid of getting old, but I want to be cognizant of it. I want to be realistic about what might happen, rather than living in blissful ignorance. BUT I also want to be a person who trusts her future to the all-capable hands of a sovereign God who has NOT promised to keep me from difficulty but who HAS promised to work everything out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose. I will fight moments of fear of aging because I have committed any and all of what's left of my life to God, to do with it what he wills.
I will heed the words of Corrie Ten Boom:
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
Comments
Post a Comment