Confession #3: I really hate first dates
I guess there are people who really like first dates, right? People who like the butterflies, people who crave the new attention, people who enjoy the uncharted territory.
I am NOT one of those people.
First dates have always left me miles outside my comfort zone and wishing that God would magically fast-forward me to being engaged or married to save me from having to navigate what to say, what to do, how much eye contact to make, how much to laugh, how much to be serious, how much to share, how much to not…
It wasn't until last week that I realized why I felt so uncomfortable. It's more than all the uncertainty about my own behaviors; that's manageable. It's the expectations as well. How do I know what his expectations are?
I've always been taught that though the Bible does not talk specifically about dating, plenty is said about love and about marriage and that all the information I need to navigate dating is there. And I think that's true. God doesn't isolate his people without instruction of what to do. For instance, one of the many places that God talks about the roles of wives and husbands is Ephesians 5. Instruction to wives and husbands is couched in the concept of everybody submitting to one another out of reverence for God. It doesn't matter who it is or who you are, you put them above yourself and God above all! And that is helpful. And challenging.
But the Christian culture in which my dating occurs makes so many things muddled. There's so much advice for young people coming from wise people who take different positions. It's as if there's this wide spectrum of ways to operate, from highly-chaperoned courtship (which can land in a place that seems, to me, very immature) to too-casual dating (which echoes the world in many ways). I might be asked out by Christian Guy #1, who won't even talk to me unless he talks to my dad first and brings a friend along on our date, or I might be asked out by Christian Guy #2, who's gone out on dates with every eligible girl in our college group but never really dated anyone. But it isn't as if there's only two types… there's any number in the middle as well!
Back to the expectations. Depending on where First Date Guy is on the spectrum, his expectations will be totally different. CG#1 might only expect me to say yes to going on this date if I envision being his girlfriend the moment it ends. CG#2 would be appalled by that. So, did the guy ask me out on a whim, or has he been planning this for weeks? Will we leave just friends, or wanting to get to know each other better, or will there be an expectation that we're some kind of exclusive "item"? Will this be clarified at all or will I just be guessing?
It may sound strange, but as soon as I worked all this out the idea of going on a first date seemed a lot less intimidating. If I could get a sense of where First Date Guy is at, I could communicate accordingly. And hopefully we'd end up on the same page.
[I should note that none of this should be attempted without a ridiculous amount of prayer.]
All that being said, I went on a first date last week. And it was actually… good.
I am NOT one of those people.
First dates have always left me miles outside my comfort zone and wishing that God would magically fast-forward me to being engaged or married to save me from having to navigate what to say, what to do, how much eye contact to make, how much to laugh, how much to be serious, how much to share, how much to not…
It wasn't until last week that I realized why I felt so uncomfortable. It's more than all the uncertainty about my own behaviors; that's manageable. It's the expectations as well. How do I know what his expectations are?
I've always been taught that though the Bible does not talk specifically about dating, plenty is said about love and about marriage and that all the information I need to navigate dating is there. And I think that's true. God doesn't isolate his people without instruction of what to do. For instance, one of the many places that God talks about the roles of wives and husbands is Ephesians 5. Instruction to wives and husbands is couched in the concept of everybody submitting to one another out of reverence for God. It doesn't matter who it is or who you are, you put them above yourself and God above all! And that is helpful. And challenging.
But the Christian culture in which my dating occurs makes so many things muddled. There's so much advice for young people coming from wise people who take different positions. It's as if there's this wide spectrum of ways to operate, from highly-chaperoned courtship (which can land in a place that seems, to me, very immature) to too-casual dating (which echoes the world in many ways). I might be asked out by Christian Guy #1, who won't even talk to me unless he talks to my dad first and brings a friend along on our date, or I might be asked out by Christian Guy #2, who's gone out on dates with every eligible girl in our college group but never really dated anyone. But it isn't as if there's only two types… there's any number in the middle as well!
Back to the expectations. Depending on where First Date Guy is on the spectrum, his expectations will be totally different. CG#1 might only expect me to say yes to going on this date if I envision being his girlfriend the moment it ends. CG#2 would be appalled by that. So, did the guy ask me out on a whim, or has he been planning this for weeks? Will we leave just friends, or wanting to get to know each other better, or will there be an expectation that we're some kind of exclusive "item"? Will this be clarified at all or will I just be guessing?
It may sound strange, but as soon as I worked all this out the idea of going on a first date seemed a lot less intimidating. If I could get a sense of where First Date Guy is at, I could communicate accordingly. And hopefully we'd end up on the same page.
[I should note that none of this should be attempted without a ridiculous amount of prayer.]
All that being said, I went on a first date last week. And it was actually… good.
Comments
Post a Comment